I am not going to talk about how it felt seeing all the normal kids in my class, which made me seem shoddy and defective, nor am I going to compare myself to the supposed “Skinny” girls. This is not a gender specific issue, it is gender neutral, it happens to everyone, and this is just my account of how insensitive people can be, even the ones who mean well.
I have dealt with being over weight for more than a decade now. And the comments people make, even though they have been made a hundred times before, still hurts. A lot.
I wasn’t always fat. I was actually a very active kid, with a healthy body. But after the age of 8 I started putting on weight and even now, when I am 20, I am still struggling to lose weight. It keeps fluctuating, and even though I come under the normal category some times in the BMI, I am still a target to their fat joke practices.
They say I should have started exercise at that time. But I was barely 10, and do you seriously expect a kid to spend her time worrying about exercise and diet? I still remember my mom snatching packets of chips from my arms so that I don’t over eat.
But recently, it feels like that’s all anyone ever talks about. Maybe they feel it is necessary to remind me that I am fat, like its something I may have missed. I am reminded of it everyday, every time I see myself in the mirror.
And what’s worse is, they make fat jokes. Sure I laugh along because I don’t want to be the girl who is over sensitive, I want to the cool one who doesn’t care what others think. But it still hurts nonetheless. People, especially close friends and family, anything and everything serious I have to say is negated by the fact that I am fat.
Fat shaming isn’t helping me. I eat when I am stressed, and fat shaming makes me stressed about my appearance. Any attempt to fitness is again ridiculed by people. Are you sure you won’t end up eating everything in the fridge? Be careful, you don’t want the treadmill to break! Haha… So very hilarious. Not.
The idea and the concept of fat shaming is so deeply ingrained that I do it to myself sometimes. Every time I make a fat joke about me, I hate myself, but I can’t help it. Its so deeply ingrained, its almost like I am an emotional cutter. Make jokes about yourself before people do it, it will hurt less that way. But am I not leading them by example by making a mockery out of my own body?
Yes, people will tell me that what others think won’t matter. There are a lot of articles, posts and other media out there which talk about being comfortable in your own skin, being confident. Sure, I would love to be confident about my weight and my physical appearance. And trust me, I am trying. It is not difficult to get over a decade’s worth of insults, doubts about self worth and utter hopelessness that I have felt.
I know this is not the last time that some one will make an insensitive joke about my weight, there will be some other smart ass out there who will think it cool to make fun of something that I have been battling for years.
But I can’t just give up now, can I?