This is something that I wrote halfway through my first semester in law school. Needless to say, I was having a serious existential crisis, well as serious as any teenager might experience. Anyway, I thought I might share it here.
It has been three and a half moths since college has started; three and a half months since I have been living in a hostel; three and a half months since I have stayed away from my family for long periods of time. Not many people would think that it is a considerable amount of time, but I beg to differ. It may not seem as much when compared to the 5 years that I have to spend here, but it accounts for something.
That something is the change that has taken place in me.
Before joining this university, I was a little sad as I had missed an amazing opportunity to study at another National Law University of my choice. It had come as a shock at first that during the re-shuffling of the list of names, my name had been transferred from the University of my liking to the one that I am studying at now. But it had happened and a few weeks later, I was in this foreign place, bidding my parents goodbye. I was still in doubt. Do I suck it up and pretend like it doesn’t faze me, do I give up on this place and go back to my city to write the entrance exam again or actually be open minded and give this place a try. After a few days of college, maybe a few weeks, I decided that I would want to go along with the third option.
At first I was antisocial, not speaking to anyone much but just keeping to myself. Except when people talked to me and unless it was absolutely necessary, I wouldn’t talk. Later, I started mingling a little with people. Even then, I was comparatively quiet – the thing was that I didn’t mind being alone. I had few friends and I was fine with that. I was still the serious girl who sat in the front of the class and paid attention in class.
I had one aim, to be the topper in this place. That’s why I had chosen law in the first place, to fulfill my dream of being one of the best in this field. And for that dream to come true, I didn’t want to score anything less than a 10 CGPA. I didn’t think this was impossible either.
Now, three and a half months later, I find myself in the company of all these cool people around me, my friends. Instead of being in the room, cooped up all day, studying into the next century, I am on the football field, cheering on my friend (oops, bff) to score a goal. Instead of reading newspapers and learning about what is going on in the world and keep abreast of all the latest happenings, I find myself texting 24/7. Instead of sleeping at 11.30 and waking up at 5.30, I find myself staying up late. And I am enjoying all this, it’s not like anybody is forcing me to do things that I don’t want to. Instead of studying up on various case laws, I find myself studying various websites, blogs and cartoon strips with great detail.
Have I changed? If so, how much? Have my priorities changed? Before, I could sit down with a book and finish 400 pages in one go. Now I can’t even finish a 200 page novel that I like within a month. If the past me was made to stand next to the present me, she would have strongly disapproved of what I have become. Probably wouldn’t have recognized that it was her down the thread of time.
Thing is I don’t know which one I prefer, either. This is not why I came to law school; this is not why my parents sponsored me to go to one of the top law colleges in the country, heck, this is not what I had in mind for me. Granted, there are a lot of plus points too, when I go a little easy on myself. The stress is not giving me headaches as it did earlier; I have an awesome group of friends, plus its fun. But does it really mean that I have to change my identity? Am I still the same person that I was when I first came here, three and a half months ago? Which leads me to ask the one question to myself everyday – “Who am I?”
I am in my second semester of legal education now. Despite what I have written, reading it once again made me realize that I am essentially the same person with a few different qualities, what one would call inner growth. I have now, hopefully, found a balance between my social life and the academics and am still working towards the 10 CGPA. Hope y’all enjoy this post.